you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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