So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i believe in u and ur pee
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
