just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
