Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
