I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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