Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
