If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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