You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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