The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i can't believe i had my finger in that
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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