woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
