How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
