I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize