2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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