I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
