I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
