Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
false alarm, still single