Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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