I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
