by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
