our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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