I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
