In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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