Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
