hotel room ftw
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
