So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You took a bar mat shot.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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