im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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