i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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