i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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