I look better un-naked...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
These tits shall not be calmed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
