It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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