totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
