I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
