I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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