I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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