I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
