You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
