After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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