They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
