i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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