I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
