His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I need moral support for this bender
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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