marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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