No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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