Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
