When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
