i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
