All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
