I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
