Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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