in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
