I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
