shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
