I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
