I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
