I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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