Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
